A vision to carry with you.

I don't know why, but I'm always at my most productive in philosophizing (and, consequently, on the blog) when I have deadlines sitting on my head. Maybe its' my version of procrastination. Whatever.

I was thinking: each of us has our own way of depicting the way we view our world. There is a certain picture which we can always visualize, about each and every interaction we have: almost an undercurrent of cartoony figures living in a parallel universe. I don't think I'd be adequately able to draw an analogy for the whole of my life...I don't think anyone would be able to do that, and that would kinda defeat the purpose, right?

But I can draw one simple analogy - whenever I take up something new, attempt something when I don't quite know how it will work out in the end. Earlier, I used to see this as a fishing expedition; I cast bread in the water, and wait with my fishing-line, ready to reel in the fish which bites. But then, I recently realized that this is a depressing analogy. I mean, fish don't always bite, do they? I suspect all of us entertain an inner fear along these lines - to be unable to come back with fish after our much-touted expeditions.

So, now I'm trying to visualize a new analogy. One really interesting option before me is something I picked up from the Terry Prachett book, Mort. (Btw, Prachett is an absolute must-read!!! Mind-blowing!!!) The analogy is based on this parody of Tibetan philosophy, of a Llama sect which calls itself the "Listeners". They believe energy is never destructed - so the repercussions/remnants of the original energy, responsible for creating the World, must still be in existence. So, if you can find and identify the original energy, you then know the secret to creation.

So, my formulation goes something like this: if energy is never destructed, then if I am thinking on the right frequency, the energy I thereby create cannot be destructed. So, the energy must materialize in the way I want it to, without being affected by any obstacles. My process of attempting something new is nothing but an attempt to find and identify and actually reach the right frequency of thought.

A much more hopeful option, don't you think??? But I'm still open to suggestions on a different visualization!

the source and travails of genius

So, to continue from the previous post - there is something undeniably, intuitively appealing about "pure" genius. As I mentioned earlier, genius can be the great tool for mass emancipation, or it can be the enigmatic tool for class suppression. But what is this notion of genius?
I am seeking to follow singular moments of geniousness - the eureka moments - back to their roots. Its really more of a continuous process, because I've been thinking about this for some time, but still....
Its' very easy to slog for an exam, or mug answers, and then get some apparent success. Case in point, it really gets my goat when some hot-shot asks a standard question in class - for instance, why a certain assumption was made, or why someone would support a certain policy, or when someone gives a really lame counterfactual - I mean, these are certainly important questions to answer, and really fiurther the discussion of the class et al...but its like, you saw someone asking it in some class, and realized the teacher really liked the question...so you parrot the question in every other class you go into. (And the teachers still appreciate the questions, though they must've heard it a million times - not something I'll ever understand.)
But this is clearly not what we mean by genius. Genius is, therefore, in my definition, what hits you when you're not trying too hard. It has to be almost natural, flowing from a fact situation or problem or debate (in this, Ayn Rand lovers would probably agree with me); but it should be distinguishable in that it is the unique interpretation or spin which only the originator of genius can contribute. I mean, it need not be that no one else in the history of this universe has ever come up with that thought; but even if it is concurrent discovery, the independence of thought must still be perceivable.
And lastly, a point which most people forget: practicality. Abstract genius is something which only goes to show that the genius isn't good enough to find a practical manifestation for itself. Abstraction to the point of futility is not evidence of scholarly attainment, but of sub-standard thought. (Of course, in my defense, what amounts to futility is a flexible definition. If the futility is combined with hope for eventual practical manifestation, then it might not be futile anymore.)
When you follow genius to its source, the eureka moment really consists of de-tangling an inconsistency perceived sub-consciously. If I'm reading a certain book, and this seems to disagree with some other book - genius consists in reconciling the two positions: at the very least, understanding where both come from, so practical conversation between the conflicting positions might be enabled. This is something which anyone can do, and genius, therefore, is not something unsurmountably seperating the Mensa-potential and the Dumb population in the world.
My own pet theory is, given the layers and layers of psychosis which each of uys carry around with us, the only substantive difference between the Mensa-potential and the Dumb, is the fact that the Dumb don't actually want to be smart. Or their perception of what is smartness, or what they want from their lives, is different; so they don't try hard enough.
Superficially, this seems an extremely snobby, elitist theory. But just give it a shot - watch the Dumb people (we all know tre types I'm talking about), and their reactions and thought processes. They would rather just fit in, or rather give out the standard question/answer for assured social acceptance of the same. This is what actually happens around you.
And then try to work, in the privacy of your room, perhaps in the middle of the night, or the crack of dawn. When you are working for yourself, and not for anyone else. And you'll find that thinking smart, thinking genius, is not that difficult after all. I don't, of course, refer to things like vocab or formulae, which need months to be absorbed into the brain - just try disentangling a conundrum of any sort. A mental challenge.
I am actually thinking that doing one GRE practice test a day is really stimulating, and even fun: maybe I should stick with it even after the exam tomorrow. Such atypial activity help your brain remain active - I think it has something to with exercising unused meural pathways.
But the downside of this philosophy is, its a heavy obligation to carry individually. Your mind doesn't mind working for long hours everyday, but your body definitely protests. You might have a brilliant idea in the middle of the night - but your body DOES NOT want to get out of bed, cut into sleeping-time, and follow up each and every idea you have.
Finally, we are left with the age-old question of just how much pace you can sustain in your life. Is it worth it to you to spend every waking moment, and then some, in the furtherence of some chosen cause? Or, like me, do you want a little bit of everything? Can you juggle a personal life and a challenging career, and make time for genius as well? Better still, can you integrate all of this into one stunning mosaic????
Make no mistake, genius is exhausting and demanding. But it is fun, and is well worth the effort.
Knowing its worth the effort, for some reason, is not sufficient incentive for me to take up and make good all the diversity and experimentation I had planned for this blog. So, you are stuck with my philospohizing, atleast for the time being.

imperialism

I’ve been watching the BBC documentry, Story of India, and I’m feeling...well, I guess “imperialistic” would be the right word. Like everything in the world will work out if you can just get the right formula, and twiddle a few knobs here and there. And to be the person behind those knobs...well , that’s the dream.
Like, the minute the documentary shows a ramshackle, 150-year-old house in Patna, the capital of Chandragupta Maurya’s empire – I’m immediately thinking, what kind of insurances can we provide to these people if the thing collapses? Even better, how can we interest architects to take up their reconstruction while creatively preserving them at the same time? How do we finance and capacitate such a project, without driving the whole country into financial ruin? And most important, can we get any other positive externality out of this exercise? I believe that if you look hard enough, there has to be an answer to every question; no matter how impossible it might seem at first.
However, large-scale strategic planning is something which, I’ve found, exceeds the brain capacity most people. (Not to crib), but to tell me that you can “see the overlapping interests” but not the “existence of resulting synergy” is just not a good enough answer. It is our job to make synergy possible – it is never pre-existing, whereas interests are – and we need to be the bridge between interests and synergy. What we should be evaluating is not security of investment; but potential of growth and impact.
On the same line of thought, the documentary poses another alluring picture: “How often we make our history the story of great conquerors...But here’s one man, who sits under a tree, thinking.” And changes the world – the Buddha. Its’ alluring on two or three levels, actually, and you can pick the answer you like. First, the standard answer, is the power of thought. How intellectual rather than physical superiority is utilitarian to society, non-violent. Or you could accept my “critical studies” version, which I think is its’ implicit corollary: the intellectual dominance of one man, and the sway he gains over the masses, all without getting up from his seat beneath a tree.
The second aspect of allure is the more “egalitarian” answer. One man doesn’t need resources of any kind, over and above the inherent capacity of his brain, and a little bit of guts to give up other material comforts. So, the critical, class-based, subjugationist and cynical answer is somewhat negated by this one. (An interesting fact, the whole of the intellectual property protection regime today is inspired by this very idea.)
And the last answer, my favourite. You don’t have to move an inch to control the world – this is imperialism for the lazy! :-) no offence meant, though...I genuinely think this is the toughest, and most productive method of changing the world, After all, I've practiced it all my life!!!

How you know you are making a life change.

I can't actually claim to have compeletely turned my life around yet, and really, I feel no need for this post. But, as this blog is supposed to chronicle {n., a detailed narrative record or report, yes, I'm working on GRE :-D} the development towards a life change, it is almost obligatory to put something down my achievements in the last week or so. Of course, this list is not to be taken as final and conclusive; but it is probably the kind of mid-way marker which is practically usable.
So, here goes, in no particular order:
1. You are able to joke with people you are furious with, and/or dislike; your turn-around times for poker faces is gradually but surely tending to zero.
2. You ab-so-lu-te-ly detest, and disown, your earlier written/other work - even something as simple as an e-mail.
3. You spend the whole day running around, and then wonder vaguely why you feel like you deserve a treat.
4. You start productive procrastination: by this, I mean that the need to procrastinate a certain undesireable job is no longer a paralysing force, and you are able to fit other things into your schedule. Basically, you get a life. Ref: www.structuredprocrastination.com
4a. Corrolary, the items on the top of your structured procrastination list have a greater chance of seeing the light of day. (By definition, of course, this rate can never be 100%. But an improvement nevertheless.)
5. You find yourself thinking that maybe, just maybe, you'll find somethng to do in your life which you actually enjoy.
6. And this last one is more in the nature of a general indicator of living a great life: your life goal and purpose become too important (and fun), for you to sweat the small stuff, the technicalities of how you'll reach there.

first attempt in a long time...3 AM really works for me!!!

I’m ephemeral; but permanent, A moving target,
Who am I?
I’m both torturous and tortuous,
But I’m good for you, you know.
I’m not so much a chameleon,
As I am omniscient.
You could be everywhere, see everything,
I ask only for your sanity.
I bring along unpredictable chaos,
But also umitigated fun.
Take my gamble, call my bluff,
Meet my challenge.I assure you it will be worth it.

But yes, you only have my word for it.

The post I wanted to make.

But I din't have the words to express it: http://www.ayes2009.com/

Though I don't really like some of the art he's mentioned - I mean, is that all you can do, the absolute limit of your artistic capabilities? - is is why I want to start sketching, et al. Not that that's making any progress.

Take a chance on me....

I right now only have access to ABBA songs: and take a chance on me is my all-time favourite. There's something about those lyrics...If you change your mind, then I'm the first in line... meaning I'll hang around even when you are being bludy obtuse. If you've got no place to go, I'll put my life on hold, to be there for you.

I know that this is not an emotion usually associated with me - even I don't associate myself with it. But it has to be said, there is something brave in the whole concept. It doesn't sound brave, or even sane, if you think of it rationally...but it still feels like that.

It's messed-up, a recepie for disaster. I doub't if I'd ever be in that situation, and if I am, I certainly will not react that way. But don't we all just love the idea of being the self-sacrificing scapegoat.

On the other hand, maybe I just like the idea of being able to prove my worth even if the odds are stacked against me - but that's not actually going to happen by sitting around and waiting. So why do I like this song???

I'll leave you with another poem I came across, by Walt Whitman: it is equally romanticist, or idealist, but positive in tone. I'll deconstruct it some other time.
http://www.princeton.edu/~batke/logr/log_026.html

slash-and-burn

Sorry for the gap in posts...but I had one lousy, crappy week. I still get "blue fits" of depression every now and then, where everything just seems to go wrong. I just seem to mess up everything I touch, my world seems to be a series of repetitive mistakes which are doomed to forever repeat themselves and ruin my life, every single person must criticizing me, or laughing at me behind my back.
No hope for improvement whatsoever.
And yes, my subconscious couldn't be bothered to help me make a good presentation in Delhi. I did not succeed in convincing it to do otherwise.
And in these times, the depth of the black hole, I always want to slash-and-burn my way out. Every thing which I am even remotely embarrassed about, I want to erase it out of my past and out of my life.
This has several manifestations. In the leftover internship work I'm hoping to complete - purely out of goodwill towards all men - the more I realize the improbability of the drafting I'm doing, the more I want to convince myself that there IS NO work leftover. Just delete it from my computer, it would be as if I never thought I would go above and beyond the call of duty. Nevermind the good intentions I originally had.
In the certificate which I need to pick up - how badly can it affect me if I don't write that one measly course on CV anyway? Lets' just pretend I never took it.
And so on.

plans going awry

I've come up with a new conceptualization of how we think and live. Everyone knows of the divide between the conscious and the unconscious mind, and their different wants. I used to think that the conscious mind merely reflects what you want the world to see you as; the sub-conscious is who you truly are, the very core of your substance.

I should have seen this coming, when I could only explain the subconscious though words which all hypnotize and razzle-dazzle you into thinking you are something special. That's nothing but the ego - to be avoided like the plague. My friends call me arrogant and snobby and stubborn; but to lull yourself into complacency based on your superiority complex is just plain stupid. Maybe even dangerous.

My problem with the subconscious is merely this: it applies the brakes to any endeavour I take up. It does not provide a rationale, it has no rhyme or reason. I am completely at its mercy, and it enjoys being as non-benovelent a dictator as possible. And then, when I don't attempt something, or I don't follow through on some thing I consciously want, it has no issues with worsening my depression after I mess it up.

So, part of the plan for this year is to ignore the subconscious, however tough that might be. No psychiatrist would advise this - but I've put up with its crap long enough.

About how to be mean.

You know, I'm really surprised how easy it is to just slip right into another identity - as if the earlier me just never existed. So much so, sometimes I feel like a classic split personality. I'm suddenly standing up for myself; suddenly letting myself actually win in competitive stuff. I guess, at some level, I always thought competitive winning was impolite... (!)

So, yea, I'm a total nut job. Worse, I psychoanalyze all this to my wit's end. But the interesting part is, how the rest of the world reacts to such a dramatic change. Of course, there is some level of stickiness (economics terminology!) or (if you prefer jurisprudential terms :-) ) social habit or custom, which prevents people from sensing the psychological change immediately. After all, I still look the same.

Well, about the closest people could get to describing my new-found (or newly-displayed? fine line of difference there...) confidence, is to say I've suddenly become "mean". Now is that a wholly good thing?

But a word of caution: it's not failure, or jealousy, which most endangers success. It's lack of faith. Several people - particularly ones you trust THE most - have questioned my abilities after my "winning habit" resolution begun. I know they have good intentions, but you have to teach yourself to draw that line, to stop listening to them, before you make a drastic life change.