Sorry for the gap in posts...but I had one lousy, crappy week. I still get "blue fits" of depression every now and then, where everything just seems to go wrong. I just seem to mess up everything I touch, my world seems to be a series of repetitive mistakes which are doomed to forever repeat themselves and ruin my life, every single person must criticizing me, or laughing at me behind my back.
No hope for improvement whatsoever.
And yes, my subconscious couldn't be bothered to help me make a good presentation in Delhi. I did not succeed in convincing it to do otherwise.
And in these times, the depth of the black hole, I always want to slash-and-burn my way out. Every thing which I am even remotely embarrassed about, I want to erase it out of my past and out of my life.
This has several manifestations. In the leftover internship work I'm hoping to complete - purely out of goodwill towards all men - the more I realize the improbability of the drafting I'm doing, the more I want to convince myself that there IS NO work leftover. Just delete it from my computer, it would be as if I never thought I would go above and beyond the call of duty. Nevermind the good intentions I originally had.
In the certificate which I need to pick up - how badly can it affect me if I don't write that one measly course on CV anyway? Lets' just pretend I never took it.
And so on.
you are so right. about the last part, it is really simple to just delete it from your system.. but the question is,would you regret doing that later on?
ReplyDeleteAnd about the first part concerning depression.. trust me, i understand as to how it is to be on a losing streak.. but it ALWAYS gets better and it is those failures that make you stronger than you are now.. and ask all those critics and back-talking ppl(:P) to politely f off :D
of course you regret some of it...others, it doesn't make a tangible difference: but you are cutting yourself off from perfectly good opportunities, which you just might not have seen through the haze of depression.
ReplyDeleteIts' just that, you could be a MUCH better person, and perhaps a slightly more succesful one as well, without such reactionist tendencies.
I totally agree with the fact that it makes you stronger and all...mine certainly have...but part of the fatality of depressive thinking is that you don't realize it then. It FEELS like its' never going to end. And critics and back-talking ppl are ALWAYS around; you just take them too seriously when you are depressed.